The 6th installment of my Monday Mantra Series: I Am Me
The quote "What you resist, persists" is very true when it comes to many things in life. It is especially true when it comes to being yourself.
I've always tried to be myself. I often had others trying to tell me not to be myself, and it was the worst. I'll never forget when Hard Candy cosmetics hit the market with their cotton candy baby blue nail polish around 1995. It was something I wanted so badly. I couldn't afford it, but I had a white nail polish already and somehow managed to turn it cotton candy baby blue. I don't remember what I did to add blue to it, but I made it happen and it was BEAUTIFUL.
When I applied it to my nails, I couldn't stop staring at it. It mesmerized me and I never felt prettier. I was especially happy because I made it myself. I was able to be "cool and hip" without spending any money.
When I wore it out of my room, I felt so proud. Later on in the day, my father pulled me aside and said I should consider taking it off because his wife, my stepmother, disapproved of it. I remember looking at him in the eyes and saying something like "I don't care, I like it." I was shocked. I remembered thinking to myself "How could something as silly as nail polish bother someone so much?".
For the rest of the day and into the next, my father kept urging me to take it off. He continued to blame my stepmother, but to this day, I'm not convinced she was the one that didn't like it. She was pretty outspoken with her opinion, so I wondered if it really was her that was bothered.
Because my father kept going on and on about it, I decided to keep the peace and take it off. I was so sad, but even I realized, at the young age of 16, I had to pick my battles. I struggled so often to be myself in my house growing up and it just wasn't possible. That's why I consider my being kicked out at age 17 to be a huge blessing in disguise. When that happened, I was finally on my way to being able to be 100% me, and it was an amazing feeling.
Being myself is something that I've always known was a great thing. I have no idea why others felt so embarrassed by who I was or who I am. All I know is this: If you don't like who I've become or are embarrassed to be around me, then you need to GO AWAY. I don't have any blanketed kind words to say about that because it's the truth and it is exactly how I feel.
I think everyone in the world should do anything and everything it takes to be 100% themselves. Humans often get confused with how their parents, grandparents, co-workers, counselors, friends and more expect them to be and get lost actually being who they want to be.
Early in 2018, I felt a huge push to quit my job to dedicate my time to writing and art (along with working on my company Carolyn's Blooming Creations, traveling, starting a studio space and more!). They were all things that I've worked towards doing full-time throughout my life, but I was too scared to take the leap into the unknown.
I remember months prior to quitting, I would stare at myself in the bathroom mirror at work and start to tear up. I knew, in my heart, I didn't belong there anymore, but I was scared to quit. I had a strange idea in my mind that I was supposed to work full-time at some other person's company no matter what and I know that definitely came from beliefs I adopted from other people.
Fortunately the pain I felt persisted, and I could no longer resist. I pushed aside all "others" beliefs, took the leap, and quit (with the wonderful love and support I received from my husband). I did it gracefully (I gave almost a month's notice to my boss) and, well, here it is, over a year later, and I've never felt so happy.
I am me. I am free. I am still growing and changing every day, but I'm doing it happily and on my own terms. I continue to write "I am me" in my journal as a daily reminder to keep blooming into who I am because I know it's a beautiful thing.
Backstory on my mantra series:
A mantra is a word, phrase, or sound that is repeated to aid in meditation. You could also compare it to a sort of prayer. I feel my journaling and writing of my mantras is a form of meditation or prayer. It calms me and helps me make better sense of my feelings and all the thoughts swimming around in my mind.
I believe saying or writing something repeatedly, as you already have it, aids one in attaining dreams and goals. If you write something as you already have it, it makes you feel, somehow, as if it is truly happening no matter how drastic or scary it may seem. It's like a trick to help your brain catch up to what your heart desires.